The Upper-Hand in a Break-Up

Apologies for the break-up theme lately. Call me a pessimist, but I’ve been witness to several recent splits among friends, many who never saw it coming. Surprising? Perhaps, but ‘tis the season… if you believe the research showing that with warmer weather comes chillier relationships.

What’s been most interesting to me about these break-ups is how lopsided they’ve been in terms of the emotional fallout. In all cases the “dumper” has moved on effortlessly as if they were never in a relationship; the “dumpee”, on the other hand, continues to wallow in despair and self-deprecation. While this isn’t uncommon, it did cause me to dust off my psych creds to better understand why the dumpee seems to suffer more.

After a quick brainstorm with myself, I came to the following conclusion… The reason the dumpee seemingly experiences more anguish is because he had no idea what was coming. By the time the dumper delivers her, “I’m sorry, you’re not the one” or “I need space” line, she’s already worked through the denial, guilt, anger, and ultimately acceptance of what’s to become of your relationship. She fails to remember that her other half is hearing the news for the first time and will need the same, if not more, time to process the message. This oversight often results in a lack of empathy during the split which can prolong the dumpee’s recovery.

There’s no way around it — if you’re doing the dumping your ex is going to feel the pain of being discarded. Break-ups are never easy or amicable — even if she doesn’t immediately well up into tears or he doesn’t slam his fist through a wall, you can be sure it will happen sooner or later. It may be the next day when he realizes he’s waking up alone. Or, maybe it will be when she bumps into you at your fav bar and you’re with another girl. Regardless, if the laws of the universe hold true, sadness, anger, and loneliness will ultimately emerge for the dumpee - potentially long after the dumper has worked through the break-up and has moved on to their next conquest.