Restoring trust when you break it

All the recent news about celebrity infidelity got me thinking about 
trust. Specifically, if you lose someone’s trust in you can you ever 
get it back. There’s a saying among cops that goes something like 
this: “It takes 20 years to build a career and 20 seconds to blow 
one”. The same idea holds true for relationships. We earn our 
significant other’s (SO) trust over time - they don’t grant it to us 
after a first date or even a year of dating.

Even with the best intentions, you may find that you lose the trust of your SO because of a mistake in judgment, a failure to follow through on a promise or 
something you said. The severity of your indiscretion will ultimately determine how much trust you’ve eroded.

Assuming you’re not Tiger Woods or Charlie Sheen, there are some ways 

you can go about restoring trust. The following tips will help, but don’t expect them to work miracles overnight:

-Show your hand. To rebuild trust you must play your cards first. 
Reveal the reasons for whatever misdeed you committed and disclose as 
much information as your SO asks for. By doing so, you show some 
vulnerability, reset the terms of your relationship and raise the bar 
for honest dialogue.

-Admit your mistakes. Many people can find it in themselves to forgive 
your mistakes if you own up to them. They will be less accepting if 
you lie or pretend like you did nothing wrong. Suck it up and take 
your knocks, then clear the air and learn from mistakes together. And, 
by all means, say “I’m sorry”. Why it’s so hard for people to utter 
these two words escapes me.

-Respect your SO’s limits. Don’t expect everything to go back to the 
way it was immediately. If you want a second chance, and you’re lucky 
enough to be given one, don’t rush the rebuilding process. Respect the 
fact that your SO is going to need time to process what you’ve said or 
done, and then evaluate whether trusting you again is the right thing 
to do.

-Make realistic promises. Trust is obliterated when you say things 
will be different or offer promises that aren’t backed up by action. 
Don’t commit to something you know you’ll fail to live up to (e.g., if 
you’re a sexaholic, don’t pledge monogamy). Follow J-Kwon’s lead and 
simply say “I can’t promise that”. Better to admit your limits and let 
your SO decide if it’s a deal-breaker.

Trust is fragile. If you take it for granted you’ll be sure to lose 
it. You may not deliberately set out to lie, cheat, or deceive. But 
even the most well-intentioned find themselves in a trust trap because 
of something they did or failed to do. Follow the tips above and maybe 
you’ll have a chance at earning back some, if not all, of your SO’s 
trust. Ignore them and I can guarantee that you’re relationship won’t 
last.