5 New Years’ resolutions to help you date better…

These should seem obvious to most - even so, it’s a good reminder to get your %#@$ together if your 2011 dating diary reads like a horror story.

http://dateraters.com/articles/Top5ResolutionsFrame.html

Tip the relationship equilibria →

Love this post! The fact that more meaningful conversations early on in the dating process leads to a more efficient dating process is no surprise. However, to see this notion supported by research should encourage more daters to be open and honest about issues that *really* matter in a relationship vs. discussing only safe topics in the hopes of securing a second date.

Break-up survival kit

A lot of people have survival kits in case of a natural disaster. But, how many of you have an emotional first-aid kit for that looming relationship disaster? A female friend recently told me she has a pimped-out Jimmy Choo shoe box filled with various treasures to soothe her through even the worst break-up. Contents include: one John Mayer CD, several pictures of her family, one Vosges chocolate bar, and one bottle of “Hey Vito, Is My Car Red-y” nail polish. Of course, you’ll want to personalize your own emotional first aid kit - what’s important is that you treat your emotional wounds as carefully as you do your physical injuries.

Thanks to our Guest Blogger, ChiCityChick, for the following post:

August 1st marked a day that might be little known to some, but that should be richly celebrated by many. The special day in question was National Girlfriends Day. Yes, there is actually a holiday to celebrate the rich and rewarding benefits that come from having girlfriends in one’s life. The term girlfriend refers to relationships between women. Another trendy and modern term for this would be “BFFs”, or best friends forever. There are many reasons to celebrate your girlfriends. First, it’s great to know that someone in the world has your back! Nobody gets a woman like another woman. Your girlfriend is your first point of contact , for example, when you experience the joy of meeting that potential new dude in your life. You know, the one you met at the grocery store, the gym, or walking in the mall being your fine self!. Who is the one that you call when you have the world’s most awesome date? Who picks up your spirits when you have the world’s worst date ever, and you scream that you’ll never date again? It’s your girl, or your gang of chicas of course! So, just how do you celebrate your special friend girl, or friend girls? Lots of women have mini-celebrations that include dinners, or pints of ice cream around the table. Or, you might plan a girl’s night out on the town, looking like a pack of supermodels, and comparing notes as to which lucky guy gets your number. If you need inspiration, watch any episode of Sex and The City. You’ll quickly see many examples of the girls celebrating each other, and having their pick and choose of gorgeous, or not so gorgeous men. Even when the guys were the biggest losers, the girls still had a great time, because they were with each other. They were the party at the party! Although the actual holiday has passed, why not keep the party going? Make every month, heck, make every weekend a Girlfriend’s Day! Another great thing about women is that they are super creative, so use that creative, warm, and fuzzy energy to think of ways to celebrate the women in your life that build you up, and melt your heart. Get on the phone, that blog, get those emails out! Dust off your sexy heels, and those sexy jeans that make grown men cry. Get your girls together, and compare notes later about shutting down your local hang out, and giving the guys whiplash!

From offline to online and back again

I’m intrigued by the article in the NYTs today about new dating sites trying to bridge the gap b/w online and offline dating.

http://ow.ly/1qJKJ5

However, I’m starting to feel like we’re holding daters’ hands a bit too much. I mean, why do they need pre-printed cards with cute come-on lines to break the ice? What’s the problem with making up your own creative pick up line and writing it on the back of a cocktail napkin? Or, better yet, use your brain and mouth in concert and go up to your new love interest and talk to them. Between this and dating assistants, it’s all becoming a bit too Cyrano de Bergerac for my taste.

Hey Singles… Are You Date-Worthy?

  We’ve been there. You spot a cutie.  You’re summoning the fortitude to approach, then…disaster. You’re overcome by the self-doubt that afflicts us all at one time or another.

“Will she notice my nose hair?”

“Will he care that I’m wearing a cardigan that my Mee-maw made me?”

While we can never endorse questionable hygiene or Grandma’s craft projects, we can provide a general checklist to determine if, when you approach that cutie, s/he’ll want to date you.

Are you wearing an article of clothing that you owned in high school and/or college?

You’re in tricky territory here. Ladies—if you still fit into those jeans you sported during Kappa Kappa Gamma’s 2002’s Annual Crawfish Boil, then bravo! However, be aware of what kind of guy has his eye out for girls in low cut jeans. (Read: girls with wayward thong straps). These are the perpetual frat boys who want to hook up with a feisty co-ed as a throw back to their beer-sodden, irresponsible years. They’re not going to take you home to Momma. Not in those jeans, honey.

Guys, if you’re not a professional surfer and/or skateboarder, please do yourself a favor—remove every article of Hollister apparel from your closet, laundry bag, and floor. Post haste. If we haven’t seen you on the X Games, then we don’t want to see you in any shirt that snaps closed.

Are you constantly on your Blackberry, iPhone, or whatever other piece of equipment you use as a buffer between you and the world?

Homegirls and homeboys, put the device DOWN. When you’re banging out texts in the club, or in the gym, or (gasp) under the dinner table, you don’t look busy and important. You look disinterested and disengaged, as though you have somewhere infinitely better to be. This is a turn off, especially when you do it in front of someone else. Even if you apologize profusely, blaming it on work or a terrible boss, the damage is done. Because your potential lovah will say to themselves, “If that boss is so terrible, why are you talking to them and not me? I am considering sleeping with you! Your boss won’t sleep with you. Oh, God, what if you’re sleeping with your boss…?”

See?

Put the device down.

What are you talking about?

Are you talking about yourself? Unprompted? For a really long time?

Please stop talking. Endless self-promotion appears—at best—clueless. At worst, you appear like a megalomaniac. We know, we know, it’s hard to stop yakking about yourself, especially when you’re nervous (and so generally awesome!). Even if the conversation is as stale as last month’s Cheetos, ask a question. Better yet, ask two questions, one primary and one follow–up. An interest in the other person signals good things. Like, duh, you’re interested in them. Also, and perhaps most important, it shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin. Comfort means confidence and self-actualization. You’re asking questions, you’re secure, you’re poised. In the eyes of your love interest, you are NOT going to be a stage-five clinger once the relationship develops.

Are you being nice?

To your date, obviously. But also to the waiters, bartenders, and random passersby? Ostensibly you’re going to be on your best behavior when talking to a potential date. But you know what shows real character and class? Being friendly and courteous to everyone else. We can’t tell you how many dates have been wrecked by a companion who yells at the poor busboy because there’s bacon on their salad, and they specifically requested bacon on the side. Or something equally ridiculous. And let’s not even discuss the taste in our mouths when we encounter a bad tipper. No need to throw loose change at every destitute person you pass, or to be generous to a fault. But believe us, the fault will be yours if you’re mingy.

Ok, there you have it – the fundamentals you need to know to enhance your date-worthiness. Now go get ‘em, tiger. God speed!

Has niche dating gone too far

There has been a lot of press lately surrounding the launch of Cupidtino, a new dating site geared towards Apple fans. As innovative and appealing as the site sounds, there are some serious concerns with what it represents that should raise our collective eyebrows.

Full disclosure: I’m a PC user, but I have nothing against Macs or Mac-hearts. I have an iPhone and am currently in the market for a Mac Mini. I simply take issue with any site, application, or other service that proactively seeks to exclude large segments of the population. Perhaps Google’s mantra of “Don’t be evil” has grown on me or maybe it’s just concern that the more silos we build, the more likely we are to stereotype and show prejudice.

So, what problems do I have with Cupidtino?

For starters, it’s downright discriminatory. If you’re not a Mac user, don’t even think about trying to use the service. Apparently, your browser lets Cupidtino know what operating system your computer uses, so if you try to access it on a PC you’ll politely be shown the proverbial door. Although other niche dating sites try to limit “outsiders”, none to my knowledge actively prohibit you from registering (well, there is Beautifulpeople.com whose members essentially “vote you off the island” if your mug fails to measure up). Imagine for a second that JDate required you to authenticate that you’re a certified Semite to browse profiles and connect with others on the site. Or, consider for a moment that obesedating.com demanded a physician’s note confirming your weight challenges before setting up a profile. Ok, I think I made my point.

The second issue concerns genetic diversity. No doubt, Apple users likely share many common interests, including a passion for elegant design and a love for unique and “insanely great” technology. Some have even gone as far as to suggest that Apple user share similar personality make-ups. If true, and it probably is, it suggests that the inbreeding that will occur by fanboys and fangirls dating, mating, and procreating only with each other will serve to decrease the genetic diversity of their children. It’s not endogamy we need to worry about… it’s “Mac-ogamy”.

Are you rebounding like an NBA all-star? →

Thinking about rebounding after a recent break-up? Not sure if you’re someone else’s rebound? Check out the DateRaters’ Love Docs’ newest article on “rebounds” (even if you’re not there now, you know you have been)

Crowd-source your dating decisions

Her: You’ve read his Match.com profile at least 10 times. He’s an urban professional seeking the same. He’s 6 feet tall (yeah, right!), enjoys the outdoors, chillin’ at home with a good movie, and spending time with friends and family. Sound familiar?

Him: You’ve checked her out on Facebook and she seems promising. She’s a traffic-stopping blonde whose looks are rivaled only by a killer bod. She prefers jeans and flip-flops to trendy clothes, would rather slum it at the neighborhood pub than a fancy club, is low maintenance (yeah, right!) and outgoing, loves giving massages, and digs your fave brew. Is she the real deal or too good to be true?

It’s pretty hard to figure out what someone is really like from those scripted responses to basic questions on dating and social networking sites. And let’s face it, not everyone is totally honest in their online profile. While sites that match singles based on assessment results may help a bit, many people would rather watch paint dry than spend an afternoon filling out a 20-page personality test on chemistry.com or eharmony.

So, what’s a singleton to do? Crowd-source, of course! We crowd-source just about every other decision we make in life, so why not our romantic ones? The collective wisdom that comes from others familiar with your new love interest far exceeds the opinion of any “date coach” (seemingly all the rage these days) or computer that matches you based on some fancy statistical algorithm.

People’s behavior is simply too complex to predict with a high degree of accuracy. Not to mention the interaction effect - even harder to predict - that occurs when two unique people join forces as a couple. As a psychologist and statistician, I assure you this is true. But, I also know that one of the best predictors of future behavior is past behavior, so daters’ best hopes of finding their ideal match is to learn from others’ relationship experiences with the person that has piqued their interest.