After the Break-up: Analyze This!

This time it was for real. Or, so you thought. But you got dumped, and were left with nothing more than his ratty fave college tee (for a U he never attended) or her saccharine-sweet lust notes plastered to your fridge. What went wrong? You were sure it was much more than hooking up for convenience sake. Why did your affair ‘o heart end up receiving the kiss of death?

Statistics vary, but generally speaking a high percentage of dating relationships fail - somewhere in the >70% range. A recent Facebook status infographic showed peaks for breakups the two weeks before Christmas (naturally), just prior to Spring Break (opportunity knocks) and on April Fool’s Day (ouch!). Whether the actions of your now-ex were motivated by foregoing the expensive gift, hooking up in South Padre, or just being downright mean you may never know. But alas, amongst the debris of your shattered devotion lay a few potential pearls of wisdom.

Following are several reasons your significant other (SO) may have dumped you, and some thoughts about how to ensure a heartbreaking repeat is not in the cards. Read, weep if you must, but do consider that you may have had some hand in the matter. Possibly you are better off without that SOB of an SO. Who knows? But tomorrow is another day, and there are lots of fish in the sea - and foxes in their dens. Tally Ho!

Some guys just want a hottie arm-clinger to flaunt before their fellow buds, and some girls care more about pecs than a paycheck or personality. She adores guys with facial fuzz a la Johnny Depp, and he drools over gals with a generous booty like Beyonce. We all appreciate a looker and have our own personal favorite amenities. But don’t the innards count, too?

A book entitled, “The Third Chimpanzee”, by Jared Diamond studied mated couples in an attempt to define the facets that caused attraction, and those that survived over time. Yes, looks might have sparked the connection, but in the end, it was boring ol’ shared values that aced the longevity test. When doing a post-mortem on your break-up, consider whether you were from Venus and your beau was from Mars.

It’s her moodiness. It’s his personal hygiene, or lack thereof. It’s her political ideals or his rose-colored-glasses view of reality. It’s because, yes Claudine, you DO look fat in that dress. Whatever ‘it’ is - it really is you. If you can get the double-crossing no-gooder to explain what ‘it’ is, accept it as graciously as you can (while secretly wishing a hatchet was at hand). If it’s smallish, change it. If it’s vitally important to who you are, then there’s no good reason to try to accommodate for this clod … or Claudine. Best to accept it, forget about it and get over it. If it’s something that’s part of your core character, you’ll never change it anyway.

So your ex still has his mommy tuck him in at night? Your new guy isn’t the least bit interested. Got a date with that hot chick who works at the coffee shop? She doesn’t want to hear about your ex’s “sandpaper hands”, unless your goal is to force a shiver of disgust down her (curvy) spine. Nothing frightens away a new love more than comparing it to an old one. If your last relationship ended in disaster, don’t poison the new one by retelling all the sordid details.

Caught sexting the new cutie at the office, your SO lied like a lazy dog on a hot summer’s day. You ranted about technical problems the day your hun-buns found someone else was tagged your boyfriend on Facebook. He prevaricates or embellishes the truth. She fibs just a little. Whatever you want to call it, lying is as old as dirt, and just as mucky. What s/he doesn’t know won’t hurt, right? Wrong-o. A relationship based upon falsehoods and half-truths is destined for the dust bin. You’ll only regret it when your love-o-life admits s/he can’t stand your whoppers any longer; and you won’t like yourself any better for the telling of them.

Quirks, Addictions and Obsessions

He spends 14.6 hours of every day attached to a keyboard, and it ain’t productive work he’s doing. He’s a WOW addict, an EverCrack fiend, and prefers fantasy gaming to attending to her real-life fantasies. She has carpal tunnel syndrome from credit card swiping and her definition of ‘midnight madness’ features department store sales, not an intimate tryst with her sweetums. He shaves less often than he makes his rent payment. She chews gum loud enough to pop her ears, and yours, at less than 30,000 feet.

A Psychology Today article titled, “You’re Driving me Crazy”, claims that once a certain level of commitment is accepted, guys/gals tend to relax and be themselves. And therein lies the danger. Habits and quirks are hard to change; addictions and obsessions ever tougher. If you think it’s love, it may be worth dealing with the kinks to ensure relationship success. But if we’re talking moral defects or serious character flaws - well, fo’get about it. Splitsville ahead!

Breaking up is hard to do - and hurts like hell to boot. Right now, all you want to do is curse the day the flake was born. But the pain will wane, and soon you will be back on the prowl. Take a little introspective time to reflect about what went wrong, and accept responsibility for your part in the breakup. If you’re still in search of answers, check out www.dateraters.com to get the low down, dirty scoop on why you got dumped or to show that SOB who’s boss by dishing about your ex’s ‘mommy issues’ or other red flags.

Regardless of how you gain closure, make a vow to fix the fixable and forget the rest. Then let the healing flow. You will find another someone who makes you laugh, pushes all the right buttons and tickles your fancy… and all the other important parts.

Hey Singles… Are You Date-Worthy?

  We’ve been there. You spot a cutie.  You’re summoning the fortitude to approach, then…disaster. You’re overcome by the self-doubt that afflicts us all at one time or another.

“Will she notice my nose hair?”

“Will he care that I’m wearing a cardigan that my Mee-maw made me?”

While we can never endorse questionable hygiene or Grandma’s craft projects, we can provide a general checklist to determine if, when you approach that cutie, s/he’ll want to date you.

Are you wearing an article of clothing that you owned in high school and/or college?

You’re in tricky territory here. Ladies—if you still fit into those jeans you sported during Kappa Kappa Gamma’s 2002’s Annual Crawfish Boil, then bravo! However, be aware of what kind of guy has his eye out for girls in low cut jeans. (Read: girls with wayward thong straps). These are the perpetual frat boys who want to hook up with a feisty co-ed as a throw back to their beer-sodden, irresponsible years. They’re not going to take you home to Momma. Not in those jeans, honey.

Guys, if you’re not a professional surfer and/or skateboarder, please do yourself a favor—remove every article of Hollister apparel from your closet, laundry bag, and floor. Post haste. If we haven’t seen you on the X Games, then we don’t want to see you in any shirt that snaps closed.

Are you constantly on your Blackberry, iPhone, or whatever other piece of equipment you use as a buffer between you and the world?

Homegirls and homeboys, put the device DOWN. When you’re banging out texts in the club, or in the gym, or (gasp) under the dinner table, you don’t look busy and important. You look disinterested and disengaged, as though you have somewhere infinitely better to be. This is a turn off, especially when you do it in front of someone else. Even if you apologize profusely, blaming it on work or a terrible boss, the damage is done. Because your potential lovah will say to themselves, “If that boss is so terrible, why are you talking to them and not me? I am considering sleeping with you! Your boss won’t sleep with you. Oh, God, what if you’re sleeping with your boss…?”

See?

Put the device down.

What are you talking about?

Are you talking about yourself? Unprompted? For a really long time?

Please stop talking. Endless self-promotion appears—at best—clueless. At worst, you appear like a megalomaniac. We know, we know, it’s hard to stop yakking about yourself, especially when you’re nervous (and so generally awesome!). Even if the conversation is as stale as last month’s Cheetos, ask a question. Better yet, ask two questions, one primary and one follow–up. An interest in the other person signals good things. Like, duh, you’re interested in them. Also, and perhaps most important, it shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin. Comfort means confidence and self-actualization. You’re asking questions, you’re secure, you’re poised. In the eyes of your love interest, you are NOT going to be a stage-five clinger once the relationship develops.

Are you being nice?

To your date, obviously. But also to the waiters, bartenders, and random passersby? Ostensibly you’re going to be on your best behavior when talking to a potential date. But you know what shows real character and class? Being friendly and courteous to everyone else. We can’t tell you how many dates have been wrecked by a companion who yells at the poor busboy because there’s bacon on their salad, and they specifically requested bacon on the side. Or something equally ridiculous. And let’s not even discuss the taste in our mouths when we encounter a bad tipper. No need to throw loose change at every destitute person you pass, or to be generous to a fault. But believe us, the fault will be yours if you’re mingy.

Ok, there you have it – the fundamentals you need to know to enhance your date-worthiness. Now go get ‘em, tiger. God speed!

Crowd-source your dating decisions

Her: You’ve read his Match.com profile at least 10 times. He’s an urban professional seeking the same. He’s 6 feet tall (yeah, right!), enjoys the outdoors, chillin’ at home with a good movie, and spending time with friends and family. Sound familiar?

Him: You’ve checked her out on Facebook and she seems promising. She’s a traffic-stopping blonde whose looks are rivaled only by a killer bod. She prefers jeans and flip-flops to trendy clothes, would rather slum it at the neighborhood pub than a fancy club, is low maintenance (yeah, right!) and outgoing, loves giving massages, and digs your fave brew. Is she the real deal or too good to be true?

It’s pretty hard to figure out what someone is really like from those scripted responses to basic questions on dating and social networking sites. And let’s face it, not everyone is totally honest in their online profile. While sites that match singles based on assessment results may help a bit, many people would rather watch paint dry than spend an afternoon filling out a 20-page personality test on chemistry.com or eharmony.

So, what’s a singleton to do? Crowd-source, of course! We crowd-source just about every other decision we make in life, so why not our romantic ones? The collective wisdom that comes from others familiar with your new love interest far exceeds the opinion of any “date coach” (seemingly all the rage these days) or computer that matches you based on some fancy statistical algorithm.

People’s behavior is simply too complex to predict with a high degree of accuracy. Not to mention the interaction effect - even harder to predict - that occurs when two unique people join forces as a couple. As a psychologist and statistician, I assure you this is true. But, I also know that one of the best predictors of future behavior is past behavior, so daters’ best hopes of finding their ideal match is to learn from others’ relationship experiences with the person that has piqued their interest.

Where’s my lid?

There’s a saying, “there’s a lid for every pot”. In the dating world, this loosely translates to “there’s someone for everyone”. A lot of my single friends lament that they can’t find the right guy or girl. Having found my true love, I feel for them. I really do.

Like the saying, I do believe there is someone for everyone. After all, in a world of nearly 7 billion people and healthy biodiversity, the odds are in our favor. However, this assumption is predicated on another important adage, “beggars can’t be choosers”. If your standards are unachievable given what you have to work with, you can’t necessarily expect to find a good fitting lid for your pot (think tea kettle lid and lobster pot).

This isn’t about looks or smarts or money. And, it isn’t to say you shouldn’t hold out for Mr. or Ms. Right. But, it does mean that you should take a good hard look at what you’re bringing to the party vis a vis what you expect in a potential mate. If there’s a big discrepancy, don’t ignore it. (note: the discrepancy goes both ways - many people sell themselves short and wind up with a loser when in fact they deserve much better). Rather, face up to it and come up with a plan to address it. This could include resetting your expectations, improving yourself in some way, or even deciding you’re better off single.

Your lid may be out there but it’s going to require some introspection on your part to first figure out what kind of pot you are.

Time to brush up on your Ps and Qs

Making a good impression on your date and his or her inner circle can be an intimidating challenge - especially if your interpersonal skills need some polishing. Naturally, your date’s (and your date’s crew) instinct is to guard against bad influences. Suspect social skills may cause you to be less popular with your date than other suitors, but a couple basic tips to multiply your magnetism can give you the confidence you need to charm the knickers off anyone you meet.

• Prepare - Look ahead of time for topics of conversation. Current events, sports, and even celebrity gossip are good topics. Prepare some comments you could use in conversations about each topic. If ya got nuttin’, try the weather - unoriginal, but at least it will buy you some time to think of something better.
• Listen - Focus on listening for information you hear about your date’s likes, dislikes, hobbies, or interests.
• Encourage - Demonstrate your interest by using positive non-verbal behaviors (eye contact, nodding of your head, smiling, saying “uh-huh”) to show your date you are engaged and interested in them.
• Follow up - Use the information you gather to create open-ended questions that will facilitate conversation. Some sample questions are: “How did you get interested in lawn darts?”, “How long have you competed on the international circuit?”, “What shows have you seen recently?”, “Are you a fan of early Renaissance music?”
• Probe - After asking a question or making a comment, actively listen to your date’s response. Then, follow up with a comment or another open-ended question. The art of small talk is a balance of questions and personal comments. People may perceive they are in the middle of an interrogation instead of a conversation if you only ask questions.

Following some basic etiquette won’t transform you into Martha Stewart, but it will help avoid a major social faux pas that could cause your date to dump your Philistine ass.

I hate to perpetuate stereotypes of beauty, but let’s face it - looks matter. Sure, we’ve all heard those placating proverbs like “beauty is only skin deep”, and “it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, but what’s on the inside.” Anyone want to bet that whoever coined these phrases had a “great personality”? Call me a hater, but the first impression created by an individual is highly dependent on his or her physical prowess. The perceived impression results in a reactionary response affecting how a person is judged and treated, at least initially… and that’s all it takes to make a first date go south in a hurry.

Before taking permanent refuge in your room, keep in mind that even a beautiful mug and hot bod can’t compensate for a horrible personality. During a date, make sure to highlight what makes you special and unique so that your physical attributes don’t become the supreme factor in your date’s decision whether to see you again. While searching for a supermodel may be the goal for some, it won’t be the determining factor of someone seeking a meaningful relationship.

I’ve been witness to a few break-ups recently. In 2 of the 3 situations the “dumpee” jumped into another relationship within a couple of weeks. Now, mind you, I’m taking some liberties using the term ”relationship” but if it looks like a duck and quacks like one, it’s probably a duck. There are proper dinners outside the house, romantic notes exchanged over email and SMS, and the tell tale sign… introduction to friends. Oh yeah, and (ahem) sex.

These are not instances of hooking up, FWBs, sexting, or any other modern day, loosey-goosey “no strings attached” tryst. All the evidence points to some form of courtship. What the parties involved claim, however, is that these are “rebounds”. Really? Cuz I’m not so sure.

According to Wikipedia, a rebound is defined as “an undefined period following the break-up of a romantic relationship…rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner’s emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up.”

That’s as good a definition as any, but it did get me thinking more about what qualifies as a rebound. More importantly, whether categorizing a new love interest as a rebound may actually prevent someone from having something more substantial with Mr. or Ms.Right. Though popular thinking suggests individuals are emotionally incapable of engaging in a serious relationship, I believe that’s a load of crap. Just because you meet someone right after a breakup doesn’t automatically mean the person is transitional - a warm body to pleasure you through the pain of your fresh separation. But, if you convince yourself at the outset that that’s precisely what it is, then that’s likely all it will ever be.

Interestingly, oftentimes a rebound appears to be someone that we would never see ourselves with - the smokin’ hot office skank, the bad boy with mother issues - but these lost souls also need someone to love and maybe you’re that person. And, maybe they are that special someone for you.

All I’m sayin is, don’t define or put conditions on a new  “relationship”, whatever it might be. Telling yourself that your new lover is just a rebound, despite feelings that suggest otherwise, may help protect your ego if things fall apart. But, it also blinds you to the real possibility of a longer-term relationship.

How to score a second date

You may have finally scored a first date with that hottie from the bar, but it only takes one fatal mistake to permanently turn off a prospective partner. Don’t sweat it - steer clear of these no-no’s and you’ll be one step closer to a second date.

The first fatal flaw is to start talking about your ex’s. Never, never, ever do this! I don’t care if you hooked up with Brad Pitt or Megan Fox, your date doesn’t need to hear all the sordid details or drama about your past relationships. In fact, unless they ask, don’t mention anything about your dating history. Even if they do ask, especially if you’re divorced or recently separated, keep the data short and sweet.

Number two. Don’t come to the first date expecting to get married and start procreating. There is nothing more frightening than being asked by a relative stranger if you’re planning on having children, or what color wedding dress you’d like to wear. Enough said.

Avoid clingy or overly intimate gestures. If you push your date’s physical boundaries by touching them too much, you may scare them off even if they like you. Save extended make-out sessions and full body massage for the second date.  Look for body language clues. Start out by occasionally touching your date on the arm or hand while talking. If they pull away or avoid your touch, don’t go any further. By all means, don’t rush the sex - it can only serve to complicate things that early in the relationship. Even if your date goes along with it, they may regret the decision the next day and avoid a second date.

Finally, keep the conversation going and don’t get into arguments with your date. If you think you and your date have radically different ideas that may prevent you from actually having a relationship, simply be polite and finish the date. There’s no excuse for running out in the middle just because you found out something about them that was a deal breaker.

First dates are supposed to be about getting to know each other, but this doesn’t include spilling every detail of your past or excessive groping. If your date feels comfortable with you and wants to know more, you’ll for sure get that second date.