After the Break-up: Analyze This!

This time it was for real. Or, so you thought. But you got dumped, and were left with nothing more than his ratty fave college tee (for a U he never attended) or her saccharine-sweet lust notes plastered to your fridge. What went wrong? You were sure it was much more than hooking up for convenience sake. Why did your affair ‘o heart end up receiving the kiss of death?

Statistics vary, but generally speaking a high percentage of dating relationships fail - somewhere in the >70% range. A recent Facebook status infographic showed peaks for breakups the two weeks before Christmas (naturally), just prior to Spring Break (opportunity knocks) and on April Fool’s Day (ouch!). Whether the actions of your now-ex were motivated by foregoing the expensive gift, hooking up in South Padre, or just being downright mean you may never know. But alas, amongst the debris of your shattered devotion lay a few potential pearls of wisdom.

Following are several reasons your significant other (SO) may have dumped you, and some thoughts about how to ensure a heartbreaking repeat is not in the cards. Read, weep if you must, but do consider that you may have had some hand in the matter. Possibly you are better off without that SOB of an SO. Who knows? But tomorrow is another day, and there are lots of fish in the sea - and foxes in their dens. Tally Ho!

Some guys just want a hottie arm-clinger to flaunt before their fellow buds, and some girls care more about pecs than a paycheck or personality. She adores guys with facial fuzz a la Johnny Depp, and he drools over gals with a generous booty like Beyonce. We all appreciate a looker and have our own personal favorite amenities. But don’t the innards count, too?

A book entitled, “The Third Chimpanzee”, by Jared Diamond studied mated couples in an attempt to define the facets that caused attraction, and those that survived over time. Yes, looks might have sparked the connection, but in the end, it was boring ol’ shared values that aced the longevity test. When doing a post-mortem on your break-up, consider whether you were from Venus and your beau was from Mars.

It’s her moodiness. It’s his personal hygiene, or lack thereof. It’s her political ideals or his rose-colored-glasses view of reality. It’s because, yes Claudine, you DO look fat in that dress. Whatever ‘it’ is - it really is you. If you can get the double-crossing no-gooder to explain what ‘it’ is, accept it as graciously as you can (while secretly wishing a hatchet was at hand). If it’s smallish, change it. If it’s vitally important to who you are, then there’s no good reason to try to accommodate for this clod … or Claudine. Best to accept it, forget about it and get over it. If it’s something that’s part of your core character, you’ll never change it anyway.

So your ex still has his mommy tuck him in at night? Your new guy isn’t the least bit interested. Got a date with that hot chick who works at the coffee shop? She doesn’t want to hear about your ex’s “sandpaper hands”, unless your goal is to force a shiver of disgust down her (curvy) spine. Nothing frightens away a new love more than comparing it to an old one. If your last relationship ended in disaster, don’t poison the new one by retelling all the sordid details.

Caught sexting the new cutie at the office, your SO lied like a lazy dog on a hot summer’s day. You ranted about technical problems the day your hun-buns found someone else was tagged your boyfriend on Facebook. He prevaricates or embellishes the truth. She fibs just a little. Whatever you want to call it, lying is as old as dirt, and just as mucky. What s/he doesn’t know won’t hurt, right? Wrong-o. A relationship based upon falsehoods and half-truths is destined for the dust bin. You’ll only regret it when your love-o-life admits s/he can’t stand your whoppers any longer; and you won’t like yourself any better for the telling of them.

Quirks, Addictions and Obsessions

He spends 14.6 hours of every day attached to a keyboard, and it ain’t productive work he’s doing. He’s a WOW addict, an EverCrack fiend, and prefers fantasy gaming to attending to her real-life fantasies. She has carpal tunnel syndrome from credit card swiping and her definition of ‘midnight madness’ features department store sales, not an intimate tryst with her sweetums. He shaves less often than he makes his rent payment. She chews gum loud enough to pop her ears, and yours, at less than 30,000 feet.

A Psychology Today article titled, “You’re Driving me Crazy”, claims that once a certain level of commitment is accepted, guys/gals tend to relax and be themselves. And therein lies the danger. Habits and quirks are hard to change; addictions and obsessions ever tougher. If you think it’s love, it may be worth dealing with the kinks to ensure relationship success. But if we’re talking moral defects or serious character flaws - well, fo’get about it. Splitsville ahead!

Breaking up is hard to do - and hurts like hell to boot. Right now, all you want to do is curse the day the flake was born. But the pain will wane, and soon you will be back on the prowl. Take a little introspective time to reflect about what went wrong, and accept responsibility for your part in the breakup. If you’re still in search of answers, check out www.dateraters.com to get the low down, dirty scoop on why you got dumped or to show that SOB who’s boss by dishing about your ex’s ‘mommy issues’ or other red flags.

Regardless of how you gain closure, make a vow to fix the fixable and forget the rest. Then let the healing flow. You will find another someone who makes you laugh, pushes all the right buttons and tickles your fancy… and all the other important parts.

Break-up survival kit

A lot of people have survival kits in case of a natural disaster. But, how many of you have an emotional first-aid kit for that looming relationship disaster? A female friend recently told me she has a pimped-out Jimmy Choo shoe box filled with various treasures to soothe her through even the worst break-up. Contents include: one John Mayer CD, several pictures of her family, one Vosges chocolate bar, and one bottle of “Hey Vito, Is My Car Red-y” nail polish. Of course, you’ll want to personalize your own emotional first aid kit - what’s important is that you treat your emotional wounds as carefully as you do your physical injuries.