After the Break-up: Analyze This!

This time it was for real. Or, so you thought. But you got dumped, and were left with nothing more than his ratty fave college tee (for a U he never attended) or her saccharine-sweet lust notes plastered to your fridge. What went wrong? You were sure it was much more than hooking up for convenience sake. Why did your affair ‘o heart end up receiving the kiss of death?

Statistics vary, but generally speaking a high percentage of dating relationships fail - somewhere in the >70% range. A recent Facebook status infographic showed peaks for breakups the two weeks before Christmas (naturally), just prior to Spring Break (opportunity knocks) and on April Fool’s Day (ouch!). Whether the actions of your now-ex were motivated by foregoing the expensive gift, hooking up in South Padre, or just being downright mean you may never know. But alas, amongst the debris of your shattered devotion lay a few potential pearls of wisdom.

Following are several reasons your significant other (SO) may have dumped you, and some thoughts about how to ensure a heartbreaking repeat is not in the cards. Read, weep if you must, but do consider that you may have had some hand in the matter. Possibly you are better off without that SOB of an SO. Who knows? But tomorrow is another day, and there are lots of fish in the sea - and foxes in their dens. Tally Ho!

Some guys just want a hottie arm-clinger to flaunt before their fellow buds, and some girls care more about pecs than a paycheck or personality. She adores guys with facial fuzz a la Johnny Depp, and he drools over gals with a generous booty like Beyonce. We all appreciate a looker and have our own personal favorite amenities. But don’t the innards count, too?

A book entitled, “The Third Chimpanzee”, by Jared Diamond studied mated couples in an attempt to define the facets that caused attraction, and those that survived over time. Yes, looks might have sparked the connection, but in the end, it was boring ol’ shared values that aced the longevity test. When doing a post-mortem on your break-up, consider whether you were from Venus and your beau was from Mars.

It’s her moodiness. It’s his personal hygiene, or lack thereof. It’s her political ideals or his rose-colored-glasses view of reality. It’s because, yes Claudine, you DO look fat in that dress. Whatever ‘it’ is - it really is you. If you can get the double-crossing no-gooder to explain what ‘it’ is, accept it as graciously as you can (while secretly wishing a hatchet was at hand). If it’s smallish, change it. If it’s vitally important to who you are, then there’s no good reason to try to accommodate for this clod … or Claudine. Best to accept it, forget about it and get over it. If it’s something that’s part of your core character, you’ll never change it anyway.

So your ex still has his mommy tuck him in at night? Your new guy isn’t the least bit interested. Got a date with that hot chick who works at the coffee shop? She doesn’t want to hear about your ex’s “sandpaper hands”, unless your goal is to force a shiver of disgust down her (curvy) spine. Nothing frightens away a new love more than comparing it to an old one. If your last relationship ended in disaster, don’t poison the new one by retelling all the sordid details.

Caught sexting the new cutie at the office, your SO lied like a lazy dog on a hot summer’s day. You ranted about technical problems the day your hun-buns found someone else was tagged your boyfriend on Facebook. He prevaricates or embellishes the truth. She fibs just a little. Whatever you want to call it, lying is as old as dirt, and just as mucky. What s/he doesn’t know won’t hurt, right? Wrong-o. A relationship based upon falsehoods and half-truths is destined for the dust bin. You’ll only regret it when your love-o-life admits s/he can’t stand your whoppers any longer; and you won’t like yourself any better for the telling of them.

Quirks, Addictions and Obsessions

He spends 14.6 hours of every day attached to a keyboard, and it ain’t productive work he’s doing. He’s a WOW addict, an EverCrack fiend, and prefers fantasy gaming to attending to her real-life fantasies. She has carpal tunnel syndrome from credit card swiping and her definition of ‘midnight madness’ features department store sales, not an intimate tryst with her sweetums. He shaves less often than he makes his rent payment. She chews gum loud enough to pop her ears, and yours, at less than 30,000 feet.

A Psychology Today article titled, “You’re Driving me Crazy”, claims that once a certain level of commitment is accepted, guys/gals tend to relax and be themselves. And therein lies the danger. Habits and quirks are hard to change; addictions and obsessions ever tougher. If you think it’s love, it may be worth dealing with the kinks to ensure relationship success. But if we’re talking moral defects or serious character flaws - well, fo’get about it. Splitsville ahead!

Breaking up is hard to do - and hurts like hell to boot. Right now, all you want to do is curse the day the flake was born. But the pain will wane, and soon you will be back on the prowl. Take a little introspective time to reflect about what went wrong, and accept responsibility for your part in the breakup. If you’re still in search of answers, check out www.dateraters.com to get the low down, dirty scoop on why you got dumped or to show that SOB who’s boss by dishing about your ex’s ‘mommy issues’ or other red flags.

Regardless of how you gain closure, make a vow to fix the fixable and forget the rest. Then let the healing flow. You will find another someone who makes you laugh, pushes all the right buttons and tickles your fancy… and all the other important parts.

5 New Years’ resolutions to help you date better…

These should seem obvious to most - even so, it’s a good reminder to get your %#@$ together if your 2011 dating diary reads like a horror story.

http://dateraters.com/articles/Top5ResolutionsFrame.html

Tip the relationship equilibria →

Love this post! The fact that more meaningful conversations early on in the dating process leads to a more efficient dating process is no surprise. However, to see this notion supported by research should encourage more daters to be open and honest about issues that *really* matter in a relationship vs. discussing only safe topics in the hopes of securing a second date.

Where’s my lid?

There’s a saying, “there’s a lid for every pot”. In the dating world, this loosely translates to “there’s someone for everyone”. A lot of my single friends lament that they can’t find the right guy or girl. Having found my true love, I feel for them. I really do.

Like the saying, I do believe there is someone for everyone. After all, in a world of nearly 7 billion people and healthy biodiversity, the odds are in our favor. However, this assumption is predicated on another important adage, “beggars can’t be choosers”. If your standards are unachievable given what you have to work with, you can’t necessarily expect to find a good fitting lid for your pot (think tea kettle lid and lobster pot).

This isn’t about looks or smarts or money. And, it isn’t to say you shouldn’t hold out for Mr. or Ms. Right. But, it does mean that you should take a good hard look at what you’re bringing to the party vis a vis what you expect in a potential mate. If there’s a big discrepancy, don’t ignore it. (note: the discrepancy goes both ways - many people sell themselves short and wind up with a loser when in fact they deserve much better). Rather, face up to it and come up with a plan to address it. This could include resetting your expectations, improving yourself in some way, or even deciding you’re better off single.

Your lid may be out there but it’s going to require some introspection on your part to first figure out what kind of pot you are.

I’ve been witness to a few break-ups recently. In 2 of the 3 situations the “dumpee” jumped into another relationship within a couple of weeks. Now, mind you, I’m taking some liberties using the term ”relationship” but if it looks like a duck and quacks like one, it’s probably a duck. There are proper dinners outside the house, romantic notes exchanged over email and SMS, and the tell tale sign… introduction to friends. Oh yeah, and (ahem) sex.

These are not instances of hooking up, FWBs, sexting, or any other modern day, loosey-goosey “no strings attached” tryst. All the evidence points to some form of courtship. What the parties involved claim, however, is that these are “rebounds”. Really? Cuz I’m not so sure.

According to Wikipedia, a rebound is defined as “an undefined period following the break-up of a romantic relationship…rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner’s emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful break up.”

That’s as good a definition as any, but it did get me thinking more about what qualifies as a rebound. More importantly, whether categorizing a new love interest as a rebound may actually prevent someone from having something more substantial with Mr. or Ms.Right. Though popular thinking suggests individuals are emotionally incapable of engaging in a serious relationship, I believe that’s a load of crap. Just because you meet someone right after a breakup doesn’t automatically mean the person is transitional - a warm body to pleasure you through the pain of your fresh separation. But, if you convince yourself at the outset that that’s precisely what it is, then that’s likely all it will ever be.

Interestingly, oftentimes a rebound appears to be someone that we would never see ourselves with - the smokin’ hot office skank, the bad boy with mother issues - but these lost souls also need someone to love and maybe you’re that person. And, maybe they are that special someone for you.

All I’m sayin is, don’t define or put conditions on a new  “relationship”, whatever it might be. Telling yourself that your new lover is just a rebound, despite feelings that suggest otherwise, may help protect your ego if things fall apart. But, it also blinds you to the real possibility of a longer-term relationship.